Back to reality....sigh

I started radiation on Monday. The worst part of it is having to hold my arms over my head for 15 - 20 minutes. The first day it was more like 40 minutes.... it was torture! I kept telling myself that I was Parvati from Survivor and I was in an immunity challenge. I got through it - but I didn't win a million bucks either.....

So I get 28 treatments daily except weekends and holidays (cancer takes the weekends off, apparently). I am to expect fatigue, and red sunburned looking skin. Plus a whackload of other potential symptoms that I have decided I'm not willing to consider.

Today, I met with my plastic surgeon. He says that surgery cannot happen for at least 2 months after radiation ends and that it could be anywhere between 2 - 6 months before the surgery takes place. The bad news though is that he is unhappy with the location of my tissue expander and so has warned me that he may not be able to put in an implant after all, which would mean he would have to build the breast from my own tissue - tummy or back.

This was an option offered to me at the beginning which I declined as it involves WAY more surgery, recovery time and pain. I am still not thrilled about this option and so will have to await another assessment after radiation finishes to see how my skin fared and if he thinks it will stretch any further to get an implant in there in the correct location.

Since I have indeed gone through the weight gain promised by the oncologist, I also have to work my buns off (literally) to lose some weight before surgery so that I will have an added incentive to stay skinny. If I lose weight, then he matches my fake boob to the real one at a lower weight, then my real boob will gain weight if I do and won't match the fake one anymore. So if I want to look as even as possible, I will be required to maintain the weight that I'm at when I have surgery - and I definitely DON'T want that weight to be the one I'm at now, that's for sure!!

My hair is well on its way to growing back - most exciting though is that I have eyebrows and eyelashes again! Also, my underarm hair is returning (not so excited about that....) But it had been so long since I had to worry about underarm hair, that I showered the other day before my first radiation appointment and didn't bother to even check the pits - but when towelling off, noticed I could really use a shave. But I had run out of time so I had to go to the hospital like that where you sit with your arms up over your head for all the world to see your hairy pits.... and to make matters even worse, I was told that I wasn't allowed to shave my left armpit during radiation....! WHAT! Of course, I did it anyway.... Because I'm a rebel.... I didn't even ask why - but I think they feel that if the radiation irritates the skin under there, shaving it won't help. And if that is the case, there will become a time when it is obvious to me that shaving would be a detriment and then I won't do it.... Nobody is allowed to point and laugh when they see a braid coming out of my left armpit in 5 weeks time.

I think I mentioned this before, but I still get intravenous chemicals every three weeks until January. So the cell-killing chemo is over, but I'm still on the same schedule getting the same injection until next year - so technically, I'm still undergoing chemotherapy, although this drug are not as harsh as the others were.

After radiation finishes, I have to start taking a drug called Tamoxifen for 5 years. Every day for five years.... They say it's for pre-menopausal women. So I asked what happens if five years go by and I'm still pre-menopausal (since I'll only be 45) - I guess they will re-judge then - who knows - I may be on this drug for longer than that.... ugh. On the side-effect sheet it says 'may cause weight loss or weight gain'. Well, I already know which direction MY body likes to take.....

I yearn for the days when my weight struggle was only against me, myself and I. And now I have to fight the drugs in addition to me, myself and I. They say it gets harder to lose weight as you get older - plus it's hard to lose weight when you are on drugs that can make you gain weight. Plus it's hard for me anyway because I have sporadic willpower (or won't-power as my mum-in-law calls it).

That's all for now. Cheers!