Today is the anniversary of the day I was diagnosed with cancer. Last year, The date was August 7 - but it was this day, being the Friday before this particular weekend which I remember clearly because good friends of mine got married and they are celebrating their anniversary this weekend. Which made for a strange experience at the wedding.
Of course, I had no intention of telling my good friends on their wedding day that I had cancer since it was THEIR show and I didn't want to put a damper on it. So Cam and I attended the wedding - and yes - we had a GREAT time! Of course the cancer was always in my thoughts - it's hard not to obsess. But I did my best to keep pushing the thoughts away and enjoy myself.
What many of you don't know is that I received the diagnosis on my own due to my own stupid stubbornness. Cam had arranged to have the time off to accompany me to the surgeon's office but the night before we had a big fight. About what? I couldn't exactly say - it might have been about vacuuming - but if it wasn't that, it was something equally as mundane. I was livid. I decided that he wasn't coming with me and told him so. He probably said something like 'FINE' - but in the morning he got up and got dressed with every intention of coming with me. I was still angry and would not talk to him. So I went out to the car, and he came out onto the front steps to put on his shoes and I ignored him as I hopped in the car and drove away.
On the way to the surgeon's office, I told myself that no matter WHAT the diagnosis was, I wasn't going to tell Cam. I am not sure why I thought that not knowing this life-changing information was suitable punishment for fighting about vacuuming (or whatever it was - so important that I can't even remember). But there is no explaining the wrath of a woman - especially mine (remember when I chucked Cam's lunch in the backyard??).
So because I am a total idiot, I received my cancer diagnosis by myself with no support on hand. The surgeon didn't beat around the bush and including the 'packet' of breast cancer info she handed me the whole visit was probably 10 minutes. In the packet was a book on breast cancer and she opened it to show me & dog-ear the pages of the photos of mastectomies. I was told that I had to decide whether I wanted a mastectomy or a lumpectomy and both have the same survival rate, but of course a lumpectomy leaves breast behind which would obviously offer more opportunity for recurrence in that breast than removing the whole thing. There was NO guidance on which was better - just the info and the instruction to decide.
So, I wandered out of her office in a daze and got into my car to drive home. Thankfully, my dazed brain completely forgot my prior rage and the first thing I did was phone Cam (who had gone to work - what else could he do when he's stranded at the doorstep) to tell him. He immediately came home to be with me. After that, I called my mom and blubbered into the phone about having cancer - most of which was unintelligible by that point since my emotions were finally leaking through. Of course, this was before the rule about talking on your cellphone when driving came in. I'm sure I was a poster board for dangerous driving that day. I'm sure I shouldn't have been driving at all in my shocked state.
Then I called Cam's mom and dad. All the parents showed up at my house to offer love and support. It was a strange day - knowing but not having any idea what to expect. Of course, it didn't even cross my mind to go into work but my employers were very supportive and understanding - and have been through the whole process.
So there was some amount of time lag between Cam driving home and all the other parents arriving where I was home alone with my new information. In one of my emails, a good friend had asked me to call him - as it turns out, it was to ask if I would dog-sit. Unfortunately for him, I kind of blindsided him when he asked the routine question of 'how are you' - and got the answer 'I have cancer' instead of the more common 'Fine - how are you'. So I have apologized to him about the blindsiding but he has told me that he was grateful to hear directly from me instead of through the grapevine or in an email (which, of course, is the method that most people DID find out).
After everyone arrived, we all talked about it and then I made some phone calls to some support agencies to see if I could get more information - I didn't actually know what I was supposed to do next. So I believe I mulled everything over on the weekend and needing more information, I phoned the surgeon's office again on Monday. The receptionist there was less than helpful. Of course, I was looking for information about my situation and she was just a receptionist (as opposed to having medical knowledge) but her attitude of 'how could I possibly remember anything about you when I have so many other people to deal with' was a little disconcerting. I thought a little more compassion was in order and basically I told her so. In the end she agreed to have the surgeon call me.
I didn't hear back that day, so on Tuesday morning I went to my local clinic doctor (who had been sending me to the diagnosic appointments) to see if I could get more information. Although the whole experience with that clinic doctor is a complete story on its own, I won't go into it at the moment - however, one thing she said to me that I found useful and has stuck with me is "don't be afraid to be pushy - YOU'RE the one with cancer".
So after some discussions with Cam and family, and after talking to the support agency and reading the info in the book and remembering the survival rate information, I had finally made a decision to have a lumpectomy - but I hadn't had a proper MRI as yet, so if the MRI showed anything different, I would go for the mastectomy.
Once the decision was made, things became easier. I phoned the surgeon again and left a message that I had made my decision and what it was. I did hear back from her that day and she confirmed that it was indeed ok to change tactics at the last minute in the same operating slot IF the MRI showed something of concern. The reason this was important is that I found out I had cancer on Aug 7, and she booked my surgery for Aug 26 - and my MRI was happening in between - so we wouldn't have the results of the MRI until just a few days before surgery was scheduled.
As you may remember, the MRI did show something of concern - a second mass - which had only a 20-30% chance of being cancer - but since I had already made the decision to switch to mastectomy if the MRI showed anything weird, it wasn't a hard choice to make. The good news is that I had Cam with me at that appointment - and we had some foreshadowing that I wasn't going to be hearing great news because the surgeon's office had called me in early for my appointment. And it was extremely hot in her office and I almost passed out after she told me - obviously a combination of the heat and the stress.
I was so glad that I had decided to book surgery right away and then deal with the MRI later because the province was shutting down operating theaters in September and operating space was at a premium. I was told I got one of the last couple of operating slots or else I would have waited another 4 - 5 weeks before surgery. I never thought I'd be grateful to be going under the knife - but I was.
Any of you could ask Cam or my parents for confirmation on this, but I was not nervous or scared on my surgery date. I was anxious to get it over with and get the damned cancer OUT. But who knows - maybe I'll do another anniversary post at the end of August on the surgery date itself.
I anticipate this Friday before the wedding weekend to be much better than last year's - and as you can see, I've gotten an early start on it. Generally, I haven't had any problems sleeping like I did during the heavy treatments, but today I guess is an exception.
Thanks for walking down this memory lane with me. I am so happy it IS a memory - long in the past now. All the uncertainty and fear I felt last year on this day has been replaced with confidence and optimism. It's a MUCH better feeling, I can assure you!
